this is the boy who passed his driver's test today. I just watched him drive off by himself for the first time in my car.  I'm equal parts relieved and terrified.  oi vey.

this is where I want to be right now.  so what's taking so long with that teleportation technology? it's the twenty-first century already.  sheesh.  my complaints are bitter today because it slushed. not snowed* (bad enough), not rained (ew, but used to it).  no, it fell in wet globs from the sky smacking faces and windshields with wet horrid sloppiness. we hates it. we hates it forever! 

in lieu of teleporting me to a villa in Tuscany, maybe I could be granted just a really well stocked cozy wine cellar full of over-imbibing friends? eternal weekends? sigh. 

*addendum:

NOW IT'S SNOWING!!! #^@&#%&*@%!!!!!

got my pink shirt, got my pink mug:

in order:

1. the mountains on the drive home last week. yes, last week. the mysterious shiny sky orb has not been seen since.
2. shitake mushroom, spinach and barley risotto (you can buy the mushrooms dried in the asian food aisle, just make sure you allow enough soaking time, like say.. three years).  it was delicious.
3. tulips on sale at supermarket.

• started "The Descendents" last night.  We watched half.  It's a two hour movie.  We'll finish the rest tonight.  So far it's compelling.
• have been dog tired lately. might be because we're not getting to bed until eleven at the earliest these days.  in spite of telling ourselves that we'll get to bed earlier every night.  whywhyWHY do we keep doing this I lament? to which K replies: because coming home, eating, then going to bed feels like slavery.
• lent feels like a good time to eat only out of cupboards. so we are trying this. I'm like the lenten iron chef. last night's barley risotto was a smash hit.  tonight we're working with water chesnuts, saltines and some canned pumpkin.. :P

Prep. bored. I need a donut.

did I ever tell you that my tsini was an Anglican priest?  this was his church.  it burnt down after he died.  he was the most godly person I ever met.  His faith and conviction and holiness fortify me even now.  I love him so much.

this music is so kind and gentle. it brought me safely through so many dark nights.

yesterday was forgiveness sunday
my legs are not sore today
lent is full upon us. we have chosen our challenges
I miss my girl
my feet are cold
I got a 'too late' call for work. frustrating
certain jobs must be tackled today nonetheless. must

this is not where I am

sigh

in other news:

• some fun with photoshop.
• K and I have been making brave resolutions all afternoon that we will definitely be going to the gym today... every half hour or so one of us will call to the other "so.. we still going?" to which the other gives an absentminded "uh-huh..", before mustering a brief rally to tear self away from computer and comfy chair, going to kitchen to make another cup of tea... tells self: "after this last tea... ahh. good cup of tea.." 
• thinking about dinner: had the most amazing salad last night that I will try to replicate tonight. 
• just watched a.. a.. hm. slideshow? film? no, something in between. it was so artfully crafted.  and written. some of the writing blew me away.  (heard about it from this excellent blogger) 
• through this discovered The Besnard Lakes. evocative and moody music is just what this day was asking for.
• I took this quote from it. I was writing so much down that I just started taking these photos instead.if you've got the patience (about half an hour?) you won't regret the time spent. 

 

 

the night and then morning, in no particular order:

coles notes version of events:

1. dinner with the four amigos. these fellows are the ones K misses the most.  he was eager to see them again.  their rotation is in the city.  so much laughter.  so much beer.  so much fun.  I was happy to be chauffeur.
2. last minute decision for overnighter at brother's place, then breakfast with city family in the morning before the drive back to the country.
3. quite tired today. we're all zoned out in our own little corners.  it was a great night.

• just home from work.
• into the city for a halfway point party for K and his compatriots that the university has organized for them.  will there be steam let off? a lot, I think.
• youngest will come to hang out with cousin.  country mouse and city mouse. they love hanging out. doing nothing. comparing farts, or whatever it is 12 and 14yr olds do together.
• my youngest brother is in a show at the VAG tonight.. hopefully the night's festivities allow us some time for this..
• may I utter just one small tiny complaint about my children?  why why why must ALL the lights be on in the house when I get home.  it's like they go through every room as soon as they get home making sure no light switch feels neglected or ignored, upstairs, downstairs, in the basement.  I mean, honestly.
• must run.  long list. little time.  long night ahead.  bon fin de semaine mes amis.

this one cracked me up

this site is hysterical. I heart it a lot.

• phone is charging. when it is done, I will go to the gym with my 'angry' playlist.  it is not easy tonight, to make myself go.  I'd rather curl up on the couch with a huge bowl of buttered perogies and a pint of winter ale.  but one half is telling the other half to get off my butt and get to the gym.  I'm not sure if it's good cop or bad cop doing the urging.  doesn't matter.  I'll go.
• girl messaged with me tonight.  she is doing well. having an experience. fun?  no, that isn't the word she would use.  but meaningful.  her first real lent.  joyful service, as she called it.  these are the moments, the experiences you pray for as a parent.  I'm proud of her.
• K brought me flowers today because  I was so blue.  still am, to be truthful, but you get used to it.  like having a limp. you can still walk.  not very well, but you can and other parts of your body and your life compensate and you adjust. I 'm still standing.  this is not forever.
• dinner theme tonight: green-green-green, with a little perogy for some balance.  no sausage, alas.
• why no comments section anymore?  I'm not sure, it just felt better having them off.  it's not something I thought through, I just acted on an impulse.  I'm sorta prone to that.

yes!

c'est moi

homeless is seattle

three on a thursday

yes please!

yum

sigh. gone again. will this end?

source

I was a dancer all along...

I have to confess to listening to this about five times in a row, then coming back for more...

om-nom-nom

go to Punchfork and just keep scrolling and scrolling down down down and get hungrier and hungrier for foods you cannot have. sigh. this is what we call entertainment :P

gnarly tulip.  it don't give a damn about it's reputation :)

appointment this morning. which got me out of the house. which is important.

the sun is shining.  small mercies. or maybe not so small.

went to gym yesterday to drive the blues away.  this is one of the 'audio files' (would we call this 'music'?) and this, and this... some system of a down too, but you probably shouldn't see any of that so I won't link it, it'll just make you all agitated then maybe a little 'judgey' so really, I'm doing you a favour.*  anyway, what I was saying was that it's good workout music when you're on a stationary bike peddling like a crazy person at 25km/h.  for real.  they kept me going hard.  angry industrial techno.  what does this say about me I wonder?  probably that I'm angry and aggressive?  maybe. maybe sometimes. but whatever.

I've discovered that aggression and anger can be a galvanizing force, in the short term.  and it beats the hell out of depression anyday.

I should be taking stjohns wort; it helps me through the long dark days of winter.  I can't right now though, it conflicts with other stuff I'm taking.  so we'll pray for more sunshine, and make sure that on the days I don't work I at least get out of the house.

we went for dinner with some friends last night.  it was good to visit with them.  though we see them every sunday, we don't see them often. does that make sense?

I found a skype partner in Mexico to practice spanish with.  so this is good.  this will keep me motivated.

finally bought an SDcard for my camera.  I have a bunch, and an extra battery, but I 'put them in a safe place'. gah.  sometimes I kill me.  so anyway, I can take high res pictures again. like mr.gnarly tulip up above.

I like that it is light at 7am now when we are all leaving the house.  and that the songbirds are back.

one foot in front of the other and we'll make it to the end...

*if you caved, and looked up some of that music I told you not to, you might want to check this one out, just to reconstitute yourself.  no really, this one's ok.  it's just louis armstrongs potato head blues. trust me!

I'm having this kind of day, and I don't know why. it came out of the nowhere. whammo! sideswiped. I am lying flat on my face.  and nothing else. depressionisNOTafailureofcharacter-depressionisNOTafailureofcharacter.. rinse and repeat.

breathtaking

Aurora 2012 from Christian Mülhauser on Vimeo.

by langston hughes

had gr.7's today. they are not as charming as gr.4's or 5's, but I've been a mom for well on 19 years now, and can deal with almost any behavioural aberration.  so today I was zookeeper.  sigh.  these are my skills set.  they leave you more tired at the end of the day, but they do have a certain charm all their own.  I remember being that old. barely.  you don't know anything at that age.  ANYthing. zip. zilch. nada.  it's ridiculous really.  and they even look ridiculous.  it's like they dress in the dark and then spray on some 'smells bad' before they leave the house.  words like 'poo' are still hysterical to them (though I have to admit, sometimes that word is hilarious to me.. but I'm really immature..).  their penmanship looks like they write with both hands gripping the pencil .  their letters come out an inch tall.  no joke.  and shall we talk about the ideas they actually manage to transcribe legibly to paper?.. no.. maybe we shouldn't.

so. that was my day.  like I said, they have a certain retarded baby gorilla charm.  where's my wine?

a cup of comfort

• friend is doing well, is home resting up. we look forward to another visit soon hopefully.
• K is off to study. what else is new.
• boys enjoying a little PLN
• dog ecstatic that we are home
• me and naps don't get along, so my comfort is in a little orange pekoe :)
• planning tonight's last meat dinner before Lent!! that came quick.

sometimes I feel like a cartoon:

begin anywhere...

this is excellent. you should probably print this and put it on your fridge too...

where comfort dwells:

 

I have loved this used bookstore since I was younger than my youngest child.  Since I was probably eleven or twelve.  I can't remember going with anybody else, mostly just by myself.  

And then when my kids were little, this is where we'd come on wet and lonely afternoons, to sit in the children's section where I'd pull my own childhood favourites off the shelves to share with them.  They loved it there.  Especially the bowl of scotch mints at the cash register.

It has grown since then, almost thirty years later, but essentially, it is the same.  It smells the same as it always has.  Like old books.  Is there any greater smell?  Well, probably lots, but when I'm in there, I can't think of one...

• my friend has a fixed lens. I've always wanted one. someday. it takes beautiful photos.
• I appreciate the wide circle of family I have, church, blood relatives, by marriage relatives, fellow bloggers.  this blogger spoke my mind today.
• K is studying today.  the boys are home vegging.  it's a pro-d day. so that's fine. we all need that kind of a day once in a while.  K wants me to wait for him before going to the gym though. sigh. fine.
• girl has her last night in Toronto tonight before flying out on saturday.  They didn't leave as early as she'd expected.  they had training to do first, so that's good. some spanish, some 'how to deal with sexual harassment', how to deal with conflict in a host family. 'debbie-downer' stuff, she called it, but necessary.  
• she's going with a native group, which is kinda ironic, because even though she's biologically and legally a person of first nations heritage, she is the least native-ish person I know.*  I know white people more native than her. no joke.  she's tried to create some kind of rapport with these kids, but it's hard.  they think it's weird that she's never been to 'a sweat'.  and I think it's weird that all of them have.  but she's adapting.  these challenges are good.  and she's making the best of it.  learning lots of spanish.  
• I have a credit at the used book store in town. I will go and buy two books.  I will tell you about them if I ever get around to reading them.  I am guilty of keeping too large a pile by the bedside table.  and I don't always finish the books I start.  if it doesn't grab me in the first chapter, it's a tosser. life is too short and some books are not your friends.
• I will finally see Tintin today.  I still haven't managed it.  it starts at the cheap matinee in 35min. 
• so more later...

*true story:
girl: so I'm trying to pick a good gift for my host family, what do you think would be good?
group leader:  I'm bringing some of my traditional regalia, and I think some of the other kids are too.. you could start there..
girl: *blank stare*

• visited with friend and wife in hospital. he is doing well considering the circumstances.  we continue to pray for him. we love him so much.
• came back to an empty house and with no children in need of our care or attention or awesome dinner making abilities. so weird.
• feels like a friday, what with tmrw being a pro-d day for all of us.  you need a long weekend once in a while, eh?

best mug ever:

I buy myself tulips:

I eat my eggs with peppers, I've done so all my life:

where I feel good about my efforts:

where everybody knows your name: